Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize