i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
