his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
