i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
