You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
