I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
