Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
