a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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