Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
