My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
