When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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