The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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