I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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