Acid is not a monday night drug
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
where are my eyebrows?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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