Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
