You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
