So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
