I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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