I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't want my vagina anymore.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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