im about as happy as oj after his trial
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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