I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
