And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
