why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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