Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
