Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
