Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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