I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How's work?
Spinning.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You need Xanax blowdarts
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize