No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
