hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
