So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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