i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
