just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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