You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize