Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Randomize
