Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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