You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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