I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
