She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
