I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
