I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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