Cold hands, warm shart.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
