Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
