She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
