My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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