I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
