btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
