The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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