im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
