i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
