I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
