i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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