the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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