btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I want a musical about memes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
