we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
