Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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