also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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