he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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