I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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